Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

Valentine's Day 2011

I never thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, but the day before I went back to work, I was re-thinking that opinion.  I was blessed to be able to take three months off of work to spend with Caiden, and I honestly enjoyed every second of it.  Although for most of those three months, we were homebound due to healing post-delivery, RSV/flu season in the outside world, blizzards, and the like.  Spending all day, every day (minus a handful of times I ran errands while Ryan stayed with Caiden & one date night while my parents babysat Caiden for the first time) with my little man was wonderful.  I still don't know how twelve weeks went by so quickly.  As all moms say, "They grow up so fast!"

Luckily, I have a job that I absolutely love.  I am so passionate about being a Registered Nurse in the Intensive Care Nursery and caring for babies who were born way too early or have illnesses or conditions that need extra help.  Caring for the tiniest of patients is an amazing, humbling job.  Seeing these tiny faces, hands, toes day after day and realizing how precious life is has been a life-changing experience for me, to say the least.  And supporting their families is something I truly enjoy as well.  The parents are often scared, confused, angry... especially when there are no immediate answers about their new babies.  I try to be as much of a support and a sounding board for them during their child's time in our unit.  Before I left for maternity leave, however, I was warned from other nurses that it could be a tough transition coming back to these sick babies.  Some nurses try to come back to work and realize that after just having had a baby of their own, the job now hits too close to home.  They decide to leave the job permanently.  But as I mentioned before, I cannot see myself working anywhere else right now, so I knew going back to the ICN was what I wanted to do.

Ryan & Caiden laughing at each other

The days leading up to my first 12-hour shift were rough to say the least.  How could I leave Caiden?  How could I hand him over to daycare teachers whom I had only met for a few minutes?  How could I take care of babies at work while I was paying someone else to take care of my little boy?  All of these thoughts swirled through my mind morning, noon, and night.  I had insomnia that was worse than when I was pregnant.  I teared up nearly every time I held my son in my arms at the thought that it would sometimes be 14 hours between times that I could see his face.  But at the same time, I was excited about going back to work, doing what I love, talking to other adults.  Which, in turn, made me feel guilty about leaving him as well.

Thursday came too quickly.  The day was long, my feet and brain were more tired than I ever remember, and the usually 15 minute drive home took 1 1/2 hours due to the ice storm and blizzard that evening that I had to get through.  But it was all worth it.  I survived.  Caiden survived.  Ryan survived.  And I only called daycare once to check in on my baby (they said he was having the best first day!).

Max, the best dog ever, on his 2nd birthday

Now, two weeks of work later, things are going smoothly.  Ryan has his routine with Caiden in the mornings and evenings down pat.  I'm back to work and loving it.  I have not had the feelings of guilt that I was warned about.  I know that if I am happy and fulfilled, I'm going to be a better mommy because of it.  And seeing all of the sick babies I care for only makes me that much more thankful for my own healthy son.  I now have more compassion for the mothers that I encounter.  One of my patients was born at 34 weeks with transposition of the great vessels (a bad heart condition that requires a lot of hospitalization and multiple heart surgeries).  He had only been in our unit one week, but his parents had been there every day.  Unfortunately, he was too sick to be held.  After a week including a surgery, medications, oxygen therapy, and careful observation, the doctors thought he was doing well enough for his mommy to hold him.  I was lucky enough to be his nurse this first day that his mommy was able to cuddle and breastfeed him.  I laid this tiny baby in his momma's arms, carefully maneuvering his tether of wires, tubes, and cords around his bed.  I was the one to help with the first time attempt to breastfeed, giving them encouragement and support.  As a mom myself now, I was able to view this moment for the huge milestone that it is, instead of just a normal nursing task.  I actually nearly cried myself seeing this wonderful bonding experience between a mother and her newborn.  It was a beautiful reminder of how blessed I am to have a healthy, happy baby boy at home with me every day.

Could he be any more precious?

I was asked so many times in the days and weeks leading up to my going back to work how I was "handling" it all or how I was going to "make it" leaving Caiden with someone else (some people aren't the most tactful when talking about my baby, I have found).  Well, in all honesty, we are all doing great.  Of course I miss my son when I am gone for 14 hours during the day.  Yes, I am sad when I only get to see him for a total of 30 seconds in a 24 hour period just to kiss him on the sleeping face when I leave for work in the morning or get home in the evening.  And working three days in a row does make it that much harder.  BUT, I absolutely love my job.  It is something that I believe I am successful in and an area that I can really make a positive difference in others' lives.  I am honored to care for little babies and support their families in sometimes difficult circumstances.  It is challenging, heartbreaking at times, so rewarding at others, and wonderfully fulfilling.  And although I am tired at the end of each day, I get to come home to my wonderful husband, amazing son, and great dog, proud of my accomplishments from the day and a better wife and mother because of it all.