Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

Valentine's Day 2011

I never thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, but the day before I went back to work, I was re-thinking that opinion.  I was blessed to be able to take three months off of work to spend with Caiden, and I honestly enjoyed every second of it.  Although for most of those three months, we were homebound due to healing post-delivery, RSV/flu season in the outside world, blizzards, and the like.  Spending all day, every day (minus a handful of times I ran errands while Ryan stayed with Caiden & one date night while my parents babysat Caiden for the first time) with my little man was wonderful.  I still don't know how twelve weeks went by so quickly.  As all moms say, "They grow up so fast!"

Luckily, I have a job that I absolutely love.  I am so passionate about being a Registered Nurse in the Intensive Care Nursery and caring for babies who were born way too early or have illnesses or conditions that need extra help.  Caring for the tiniest of patients is an amazing, humbling job.  Seeing these tiny faces, hands, toes day after day and realizing how precious life is has been a life-changing experience for me, to say the least.  And supporting their families is something I truly enjoy as well.  The parents are often scared, confused, angry... especially when there are no immediate answers about their new babies.  I try to be as much of a support and a sounding board for them during their child's time in our unit.  Before I left for maternity leave, however, I was warned from other nurses that it could be a tough transition coming back to these sick babies.  Some nurses try to come back to work and realize that after just having had a baby of their own, the job now hits too close to home.  They decide to leave the job permanently.  But as I mentioned before, I cannot see myself working anywhere else right now, so I knew going back to the ICN was what I wanted to do.

Ryan & Caiden laughing at each other

The days leading up to my first 12-hour shift were rough to say the least.  How could I leave Caiden?  How could I hand him over to daycare teachers whom I had only met for a few minutes?  How could I take care of babies at work while I was paying someone else to take care of my little boy?  All of these thoughts swirled through my mind morning, noon, and night.  I had insomnia that was worse than when I was pregnant.  I teared up nearly every time I held my son in my arms at the thought that it would sometimes be 14 hours between times that I could see his face.  But at the same time, I was excited about going back to work, doing what I love, talking to other adults.  Which, in turn, made me feel guilty about leaving him as well.

Thursday came too quickly.  The day was long, my feet and brain were more tired than I ever remember, and the usually 15 minute drive home took 1 1/2 hours due to the ice storm and blizzard that evening that I had to get through.  But it was all worth it.  I survived.  Caiden survived.  Ryan survived.  And I only called daycare once to check in on my baby (they said he was having the best first day!).

Max, the best dog ever, on his 2nd birthday

Now, two weeks of work later, things are going smoothly.  Ryan has his routine with Caiden in the mornings and evenings down pat.  I'm back to work and loving it.  I have not had the feelings of guilt that I was warned about.  I know that if I am happy and fulfilled, I'm going to be a better mommy because of it.  And seeing all of the sick babies I care for only makes me that much more thankful for my own healthy son.  I now have more compassion for the mothers that I encounter.  One of my patients was born at 34 weeks with transposition of the great vessels (a bad heart condition that requires a lot of hospitalization and multiple heart surgeries).  He had only been in our unit one week, but his parents had been there every day.  Unfortunately, he was too sick to be held.  After a week including a surgery, medications, oxygen therapy, and careful observation, the doctors thought he was doing well enough for his mommy to hold him.  I was lucky enough to be his nurse this first day that his mommy was able to cuddle and breastfeed him.  I laid this tiny baby in his momma's arms, carefully maneuvering his tether of wires, tubes, and cords around his bed.  I was the one to help with the first time attempt to breastfeed, giving them encouragement and support.  As a mom myself now, I was able to view this moment for the huge milestone that it is, instead of just a normal nursing task.  I actually nearly cried myself seeing this wonderful bonding experience between a mother and her newborn.  It was a beautiful reminder of how blessed I am to have a healthy, happy baby boy at home with me every day.

Could he be any more precious?

I was asked so many times in the days and weeks leading up to my going back to work how I was "handling" it all or how I was going to "make it" leaving Caiden with someone else (some people aren't the most tactful when talking about my baby, I have found).  Well, in all honesty, we are all doing great.  Of course I miss my son when I am gone for 14 hours during the day.  Yes, I am sad when I only get to see him for a total of 30 seconds in a 24 hour period just to kiss him on the sleeping face when I leave for work in the morning or get home in the evening.  And working three days in a row does make it that much harder.  BUT, I absolutely love my job.  It is something that I believe I am successful in and an area that I can really make a positive difference in others' lives.  I am honored to care for little babies and support their families in sometimes difficult circumstances.  It is challenging, heartbreaking at times, so rewarding at others, and wonderfully fulfilling.  And although I am tired at the end of each day, I get to come home to my wonderful husband, amazing son, and great dog, proud of my accomplishments from the day and a better wife and mother because of it all.

Caiden Lake Lang

Caiden Lake Lang
Born November 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm
8 pounds, 10 ounces
20 inches long

On Tuesday, November 30, Ryan and I were blessed with our first child, Caiden Lake Lang.  He was perfect.  He was dreamed of and planned for since... well, as long as I can remember.

I will say that the pregnancy was not what I had pictured.  At 6 weeks, I began the morning sickness phase.  Now, like many moms-to-be, I say "morning" very loosely.  Weeks 6 & 7, I threw up all the time.  I'm sure you're thinking, "Yeah, I puked a few times, too" or "I felt crappy all the time when I was pregnant."  Well, those first couple of weeks, I threw up 15-20 times per day and felt like I was going to in between.  No exaggeration.  I was either in bed or in the bathroom.  Week 8, I was started on one anti-emetic medication.  Nada.  It did nothing.  So I was also put on another drug to alternate.  The combination helped a little.  I was still getting sick about 8-10 times per day, though.  Well, there was little else I could do as I tried all the other suggestions with no luck (peppermint, ginger, carbonation, Vitamin B suckers, sleep, soup, popsicles, etc.).  This continued until I was 26 weeks pregnant.  Once again, I'm not exaggerating. I think that I just learned how to function this way, as during this time I was finishing up nursing school and studying/taking my Board Examinations for my nursing license.  I don't know how I did all of this.  It is all kind of a blur, actually.  

36 weeks pregnant.

For 6 weeks, pregnancy was great!  I had that "glow" that other moms talk about.  I felt healthy, happy, and attractive.  Then, the end of summer hit.  I was hot.  I gained all my pregnancy weight (as I actually had lost about 13 pounds up to this point), I was working 3, 12-hour shifts every week at my new job at the hospital, I felt like others at the end of a pregnancy.  Big & uncomfortable.  The last month of my pregnancy, each weekly visit to my doctor ended with how much I had dilated and her saying, "Oh, you definitely won't make it until the end of the week."  Lies, lies, lies.  Yes, I did make it to the end of the week.  And again.  And again.  And again.  My due date came and went, and little man wasn't budging. I tried walking.  I tried raking leaves.  I tried sitting and bouncing on the exercise ball.  I tried pineapple, spicy foods, a little caffeine.  I tried talking to Caiden and begging him to come out.  I'll come right out and say that we even tried sex.  Not fun for either Ryan nor myself... I don't understand how women can actually enjoy it late in their pregnancy.  But nothing worked.  Nothing could convince little man, not even all those weeks of Braxton-Hicks, to let us see his sweet, little face. 

First family photo.

1 minute old.

At nine days past my due date, my doctor decided to induce me.  This is something I had hoped would not need to happen.  I am all for letting the baby decide when he is ready to come out into the world, and the less medical intervention, the better, in my opinion.  But throughout the later stages of my pregnancy, Caiden was estimated to be a big boy, a prediction of nine pounds by my doctor.  I had already dilated to 4 cm by the time I even went to the hospital, but with first pregnancies, I was still assured that it would take the average induction of about 12-18 hours of labor.  Again, lies.  From the moment I was started on oxytocin and the doctor broke my water, Caiden changed his mind... with vigor!  My contractions started, yes started, at two to three minutes apart and never took a break.  The first stage of labor usually takes up to 12 hours.  Mine took 5 1/2 hours.  The second stage of labor can take upwards of 4-6 hours.  Mine took 15 minutes.  The third stage of labor (pushing) usually takes an hour or more.  Mine took 10 minutes and 2-3 pushes.  Now, I'm not saying all of this to brag.  It was the worst pain of my life.  Especially with an epidural that only worked on my left thigh and no IV drugs.  I felt every single thing.  But it only lasted 6 hours from beginning to end.  And what an end it was!!!  My beautiful baby boy was laid on my chest, and I fell in love instantly.  Cliche?  Sure.  True?  Absolutely.  Ryan and I cried together, holding our sweet, precious baby for the first time.   

I have dreamed of becoming a mommy since I was a little girl.  I could never have imagined how amazing it would be or just how enriched my life would become.  Caiden is the absolute light of my life.  He brings joy into my heart that I have never experienced.  I am sometimes overwhelmed to the point of tears, just thinking about him.  It might not have been the idealized pregnancy or labor and delivery I dreamed of, but I would do it over and over again to have the same outcome... a healthy, handsome, perfect baby boy.  I love you, sweet Caiden, and am so proud to be your mommy. 

Caiden's Newborn Photos,
12 Days Old.

Better Late Than Never

Well, here's a recap of the last several years...

I graduated in May 2003 from the University of MO - Kansas City with my degree in Psychology.  I didn't really want to do anything with psychology, though, so I tried out a few different types of work including retail management, film production, event planning, and nannying.  When the film production company I was working for moved into a new building, Ryan was one of the architects who designed it.  We met, dated, got engaged, and were married on March 29, 2008 in Kansas City.  Rewind a bit to say that Ryan graduated in May 2006 from the University of Kansas with his degree in Architecture. Soon into our relationship, I began questioning my career path and decided that nursing was where I wanted to direct my life.  I had always loved medicine and had a passion for patient care, so this seemed to be a great fit for me!  I went to Saint Luke's College of Nursing in Kansas City and graduated with my BSN in May 2010. While in school, we adopted our first (fur) child, Maximus "Max" Wayne Lang, a chocolate labrador.  We believe that he believes he is a human, as he has been treated that way since we brought him home.  We bought our first home in July 2010 in the Brookside area of Kansas City and began our non-fur family with our first child, Caiden Lake Lang, born on November 30, 2010.  He has been such a blessing in our lives, but I'll have more on him in another post :)  I am currently a registered nurse in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Children's Mercy Hospital in downtown Kansas City and love it.  I absolutely cannot imagine myself doing anything else.  Ryan currently is an architect in the Infrastructure Division at Burns & McDonnell in Kansas City, and he loves his job, as well.  Our happy family loves going to Table Rock Lake, being outdoors, and loves spending time with our friends and family.

 Hopefully, you'll get to know us even better with this blog!

Ryan & Julie

Our Wedding Day, 03/29/08

Maximus "Max" Wayne Lang, born 02/27/09

Our First Home!!

Caiden Lake Lang, born 11/30/10